So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
...so i touched it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
