I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
