I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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