found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
two words...techno handjob
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
