Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
