Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
