where does the pee come out of this thing
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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