Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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