Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My hand turned me down
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
