These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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