Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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