I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
