Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
