I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
