Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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