do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
