Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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