Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
