so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
