I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
