I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
