these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
