she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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