just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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