did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
