Well douche your snatch and let's go!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
