Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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