We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
a search helicopter?!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Randomize
