no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Pants are for mortals
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