I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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