Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
