dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
