Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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