hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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