this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
how does that bad decision feel?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
