There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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