Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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