So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
