if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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