It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
