Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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