it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
