Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Enjoy the penises
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
