You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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