Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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