I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
