i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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