meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
