or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
