I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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