we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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